No, he wasn't calling with last minute instructions and congratulatory words to send us off. The message he delivered, and the tone in which he delivered it, quelled our excitement and again tested our faith. We were now at strike three. Orson informed me that baby 1011 our third referral, was no longer available. I had to pull off the road because the tears were blinding. The stress, the disappointment and the impending departure just 24 hours later to a place halfway around the world to adopt a child who's face had changed 3 times in a matter of 14 months began to take its toll. I entertained just giving up, and ending this emotional limbo we had been living in. I couldn't help but tell Orson that seeing his name on my caller ID always caused an immediate wave of extreme anxiety. He half chuckled, and said but Ann when you get home look on your computer, I sent another equally beautiful girl. Call me after you see her, you will be happy. Trust me.
Trust him. Isn't that what got us here to begin with? I felt completely responsible for this roller coaster of a ride we were all on, and thoughts of an unhappy ending loomed big. I became emotionally overwhelmed to the point I told Orson I had to go, and for the first time I didn't thank him as I hung up the phone.
When I arrived home and entered the house, Chris and Christopher took one look at me and their excitement turned immediately to concern. Mom whats wrong? Ann what's up? My heart broke yet again to deliver for the third time, the news. She's gone. Orson called. She's no longer available. There was silence. A brief silence, until Christopher asked "so what happens now?" Well, Orson said to check the computer as he sent another referral. I just don't think we should get our hopes up. I am really afraid this is not going to end well. My husband said "we have come this far, lets just see it through". Go check the computer.
So together we looked at referral number 4.
Orson was right, she was a beautiful little girl
Chris and Christopher appeared less affected by this latest loss as we did discuss at length since losing Natalia, that we wouldn't fall in love with a picture again. We would wait for the child in the flesh. To me, that advise sounded all fine and good but, I just couldn't do it. I fell in love with all 3 and I was sure, so had they. I think they wanted to appear strong for my sake. So back to packing we went, although silently I continued to have huge reservations about even getting on that plane.
Sleep for me, was difficult that night. I couldn't shake the feeling that we were in the scam of our lives, and we were continuing on a journey that so far felt more like a night mare than the miracle we anticipated when Orson told us "I can hold this child for you". I tossed and turned and listened to Chris snore. I was thankful to God for the man I called my husband. If I had to be in the scam of my life I was glad to be sharing it with him, because no matter what happened we would survive.
We were up at dawn and the excitement began anew, just as it had when we first accepted Natalia into our hearts. We were going to Kazakhstan to meet our daughter.
So with bags packed, tickets/documents in hand and 7000.00 dollars in brand new bills divided between us in money belts, we entered the town car that would be taking us to JFK for a 9pm flight.
As we do with all trips, prior to leaving the driveway we joined hands and prayed. We asked God to guide us on this journey, to keep us safe and give us the grace to accept his plan no matter what that may be. In Jesus name Amen. We turned to the driver and said OK we can go now.
The ride to the airport lasted an hour. Its amazing how conversation jumps around when everyone is excited beyond belief. We did manage not to forget anything.
Unfortunately I packed so well it cost an additional 75 dollars to check the bags. We would be lighter on the return trip because in the suit cases were gifts I bought to give to whom ever we met along the journey to our daughter, who touched our hearts.
After check in, we learned there would be a 2 hour delay. So we perused the airport and found a place to have dinner and celebrate our trip so far.
After dinner and just before boarding, I decided to call Orson one last time. I just needed to know if there were any new developments, so with trembling hands I dialed his number. When he answered right away I wanted to hang up. He must have said hello 2-3 times before I spoke.
Orson it's Ann. We are at JFK just about to board our flight. I wanted to check to see if anything had changed since yesterday.
There was an awkward silence.
"Ann I don't know what is going on over there".
"Orson what does that mean". "Is there a child there for us?"
"Ann I am not sure what child you will get".
Great. Thanks again Orson. I hung up.
I told Chris what Orson said. Then I said "Chris I think maybe we should pull the plug". I am not very confident. I don't mind losing the time and the money but you having to give up your racing and a shot at the championship for a scam is to much for me to handle."
To this day I will never forget Chris's response.
"Ann our daughter is there. We are going."
7/11/2006
Twas the night before Christmas
In our home tonight we feel a celebration beginning. Our miracle is starting to unfold. Our family and friends are acutely aware that something wonderful is about to happen and we feel the presence of God because of their love and support for us.
I headed this post Twas the night before Christmas because the excitement and joy we are experiencing tonight is much like that of child on Christmas Eve.
It truly is by the grace of God that we will be blessed with a precious gift, our daughter. Our prayer is to be worthy of this precious gift. We have been waiting for 14 months for this moment and we know our lives will be forever changed because of an innocent child. We want to share this joy with those who are following our journey via this blog.
Our flight is tomorrow and we will be in Ust Kamenogorsk by Thursday. I will try and post as often as possible.
To those who have gone before us : Chris and Michelle, Steve and Terry, Amy and Anthony, Candy, Jason and Melissa, Tim and Nell, John and Dotty and Marc and Pam. We thank you all for sharing your experiences with us thru your blogs. You have provided the light to guide us on this journey and we will be forever grateful. Although we have never met each of you have become a part of our adoption miracle.
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