Unanswered Prayers, Miracles and Faith

Soon after we received confirmation from Orson that the Sapp's had indeed adopted our referral Natalia, the Sapp's sent us an email. They explained the reason they didn't email us back right away was because they felt it was Orson's responsibility to tell us they had adopted Natalia. They expressed their sympathy and offered prayers.

After we regained our composure, I prayed for words and a message to send to the Sapp's. Even though our hearts were heavy with grief, our thoughts and prayers were also with the Sapp's and our baby 749 Natalia (the child we thought would be our daughter). As I sat to type our congratulations my heart in its complete humaness was consumed with pain and anger, yet I was driven to send a message of love. Through tears I typed words I must have received through prayer. We sincerely wanted to communicate to the Sapp's that in no way did we hold them responsible for our pain, and we were consciously placing our faith in God. While we received this unanswered prayer which was painful and difficult to understand, we were also giving thanks to God for the miracle unfolding in their lives.
In this re-telling of our journey, as I re-read the sent message, the confirmation from God is so evident that our miracle is coming.

Before sending the ecard we talked as a family alot, about the life circumstance's both the Sapp's and the Young's were sharing. We realized the Sapp's and their miracle would forever be tied to our daughters adoption story and each time we share our story the Sapp's and Natalia are an important chapter.
We talked about our adoption and our expectations.
Then we asked ourselves some tough questions. The likes of which required some deep soul searching and acceptance of the answers we found, but didn't necessarily like.
With biological children, were there photos and guarantees? The obvious answer. NO. So why did we have a different expectation with our adoption? Orson Mozes!
Were photo listings and referrals with medical/social information legal in the adoption process in Kazakhstan? NO.
So why did we have one?
Orson Mozes!
Did we ask questions about the process, about the country, about the legalities and the possibility of not being able to adopt baby 749 (Natalia)? YES.
It was explained to us that the ONLY way we could lose baby 749 was, if a biological parent or family member came back to claim her, or if a citizen of Kazakhstan wanted to adopt baby 749 (Natalia) before you arrived in Kazakhstan to begin the bonding process. The latter being a situation that never occurs because of the stigmatism placed on children in orphanages.
This information was all provided by Orson Mozes as he requests the 12,850.00 fee to "HOLD" this child for us. He goes on to explain that after the fee is in a fed ex envelope with a tracking number, baby 749 will be removed from the Internet photo listing and no longer available to any other interested clients. His confidence that this child will be our "daughter" is convincing.
Did we really have a right to place any child on "HOLD" for adoption?
Difficult question to answer at the time given we didnt have all the information we have today. We didn't know there was another way to adopt from Kazakhstan. We didn't know about travelling blind and that there really was never a need to pay any fee (other than an application fee) until you are paper ready to travel. Our adoption agency, AIP and its director Orsen Mozes failed to explain the ethical adoption process that was and is in place in Kazakhstan.
When we first contacted AIP it was because of our desire to adopt, and an Internet search. We found Adopting.com, perused the site and its photo listings. Baby 749's photo touched our hearts and our journey began.
The answer to the above question now that we have lost our referral (baby 749 Natalia) and retrospectively is unequivocally, NO.
We did not, and do not feel we had a right to "HOLD" any child for our adoption while gathering our documents for the dossier, or for any reason for that matter.
If there is a family at an orphanage ready to accept a child into their hearts and lives, we didn't feel it our right to have a child spend even one minute longer in an orphanage not experiencing the joy of having and being a special part of a family.
It was this revelation that provided us the most comfort to begin the task of emotionally letting go of baby 749 Natalia, the child we believed would have been our daughter.

This is a copy of the ecard I found on http://www.bluemountain.com/ and the message we sent the Sapp's. We wanted them to feel our sincere congratulations.




 
 
 
 

Dear God we need your wisdom...

Tears are flowing as reality penatrates our hearts.

Natalia (Leah) will never be our daughter, or Christopher's sister.

Christopher is sobbing.

The baby we have loved for it seems like always, has been adopted by another AIP family.

It is so hard to:

comprehend how this could have happened.
keep the anger at bay.
watch our son so hurt.
deal with this major disappointment rationally.
not let the wounded child in us act out.
not feel foolish for trusting in Orson.
realize that resigning from a job I loved was probably now, a big mistake
have faith.
trust God has a plan.

It is hard to pray when one doesn't know what to pray for.

So I ask God to fill my heart and my mouth with the words necessary to comfort my child and my husband.
I feel a major responsibility to both my husband and son to somehow comfort their pain.
I feel inadequate and vulnerable.
I decide to pray for Gods mercy and wisdom.
I struggle thru my own emotional turmoil to converse with God about my son, his pain and our situation.
My attempts at prayer are interrupted as my mind wanders to the Sapps in Ust Kamenogorsk.
I try and imagine how they must be feeling knowing now, that they have adopted our referral.
I know they experienced this same emotional pain not long before they travelled to Kazakhstan.
They too lost referrals.
I dont want them to feel anything but joy in the birth of their family and the miracle that has been granted to them.

It was then, when I began thinking of others(the Sapps) the revelation came to me.

Upon entering the Christmas Season I could pray that we the Young's be like Mary, mother to Jesus.
Let it be done unto us and accept this pain trusting God has a plan for us.
We can accept this unanswered prayer even though we do not understand it.
We can use this life lesson to teach our child faith, and trust clarity will come.

Little did I know back then, this conscious decison to trust in God would be the beginning of many miracles we were to experience on our journey to adopting our daughter Leah.

Emails

  This is the first email response from Orson after I called him to ask if the child the Sapps were adopting was our referral. We were so happy and relieved to read these words.
  Believing Orson, this is the email we sent to the Sapps who at the time were in Ust Kamenogorsk picking up their children.
 

This was Orson's reply to my first response to the email notifying us a "Big Mistake was made" I truly believe I never would have emailed the Sapp's had Orson told us the truth when we first called him about the Sapp's Natalia.
This circumstance was one of the most emotionally painful experiences an adoptive family can deal with.
Our faith was tested to the core. In retrospect we are so thankful to God for unanswered prayers and miracles.

Its difficult to breath!!!!!!

November 22,2005 began much like every other since we began our adoption journey. Little did I know that by days ends we would experience an emotionally stunning turn of events in our adoption journey.
The morning rituals of getting ready for school and work, like most families began as the alarm goes off. The dance of the morning orchestrated each day, some time in synch some time off key but always a creshendo of kisses goodbye and I Love you's.
I can not remember the happenings of the early part of the day because at that time I was employed as the Nurse Manager of Peri Operative Services. A responsibility of overseeing 5 major areas. Ambulatory Surgery, Pain Management, Endoscopy, Post Anesthesia Care Unit and Pre Admission Testing. To say I was very busy was an understatement however having some 25 years experience as an RN at this particular community hospital I was capable and confident. I loved my job and the satisfaction it brings when you make a difference in someones day.
However there was a job I loved more. Motherhood. I knew my hectic stressful days at the hospital were all but numbered now. After years of soul searching, praying and reseaching we decided in May of this year, adopting Leah was the plan God had for us. Therefore as I did when Christopher was born 11 years prior, I would be trading in my full time RN position for a return to full time stay at home Mother to our new daughter.
From the beginning of our adoption journey and similar to a regime of pre natal vitamins, daily I would log on to the internet in search of information to keep a blood level of hope to sustain us. Around November 3, 2005 I joined http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Ust-Kamenogorsk-Adoptions/ and began reading everything I could. This message board dated back to 2003 so there was alot of reading to do. It was so inspiring to read of others who successfully completed their adoptions. As I became familiar with the board it was here I first learned about blogs, and because of their post on this Yahoo board inviting all to read of their journey, I found the Sapp blog. When I clicked over to read their blog, they were home from their first trip and preparing for their return to pick up the children they had adopted. Their posts from 11/1 thru 11/19 did not contain pictures of their children. So as I read their story at this point in time I had no idea that this young couple from Illinois and the Young's from NY would share an emotional chapter in their adoption stories. I was still very new to blogs and didnt realize that one could click on the archives label and read all the older posts.
This blog I most closely followed was http://sappfamilyadoption.blogspot.com/ They were an AIP family who's foot steps eventually we would be following in, and the only blog of an AIP family I could find on the internet at that time. I read everything they had posted not only on their blog, but also on different yahoo boards and web sights. As I became familiar with their adoption journey in hindsight now I realize, they were ultimately the ones who prepared us somewhat for the twist and turn our journey would take. It was in their adoption story I first read about adoptive parents losing referrals and how emotionally devastating that experience could be. The Sapp blog begins with a sharing of the devastating heart break they experienced upon learning the children they had come to love, would not be available to them for adoption. A memorial tree and planted flowers signify the love they have for these children which will remain forever in their hearts.
Intellectually I knew lost referrals could happen. However Orson from AIP assured us "very rarely" does it happen and for limited reasons. He explained if your referral's mother or family member comes back to claim the child, or if a native Kazak couple wants to adopt your referral you could lose her. We were willing to take that chance as Orson again told us this was a rare occurance.
As I read the Sapps daily posts, I remember feeling so happy for them as they prepared for their return trip. I could only imagine the pain they had suffered at the loss of their first referrals, and I thanked God for the miracle he had granted them. Each day I would log on to follow their journey and I was so thankful they were sharing their story. I waited in anticipation to see a picture of the children they had adopted.
On Nov 22 just 2 days before Thanksgiving the anticipation was over. I saw the beautiful faces of the Sapp children. Their post dated 11/23 because of the time difference, began with 3 pictures of their son Mateo and Chris the Dad. My heart filled with joy as I saw their smiling faces. As I scrolled down the post and saw Natalia's picture my breath was taken away.....My pulse rate soared and tears began....
I didn't want to believe what I was seeing.
  Our referral 7 months old photo cropped

 

A picture from the Sapps blog (when it was public) at 1 year old cropped


Could their Natalia be our Natalia?
Our referral photos were of a 7 month old.
Six months had past since our photos were take, and children change alot.
Could it be another AIP family adopted our referral?
I immediately called Orson Mozes.
Orson reassured me they were not the same child.
He was convincing and I wanted so badly to believe him.
I am relieved by his words.
So much so, I email the Sapps ( who have no idea we even exist) while they were in Ust Kamenogorsk and explain to them what occured and what Orson has told me and assured me. ( I will post that original email in the next post)
I ask the Sapps to look for our Natalia, and if possible get an updated photo for us. I send them our referral photo honestly believing Orson has told us the truth. And I wait for a response from them.
As the hours pass without a return message from the Sapps, my anxiety grows. I really study the Sapps blog wanting to see more photos, and I discover the archive label.
When I click on it, I can go back to the beginning of their journey and see many pictures of both Mateo and Natalia. My heart begins to hurt as the reality of what has happened begins to sink in although no one has confirmed it as of yet. Not Orson or the Sapps.
The Thanksgiving Holiday and the preparation for it provides a temporary respite from the confirmation I know is coming. While Chris and I have experienced great dissappointment in the past we are ill prepared to witness our son's reaction to this painful revelation.
The next 48 hours are emotionally diffcult to say the least, I have so many different emotions swirlng in my thoughs. As I look at and study the pictures of Natalia, while she has changed and grown, her eyes have remained the same and we have been looking at and loving those sad blue eyes for months. I still cannot believe, I do not want to believe the obvious.
Then my thoughts turn to the Sapps. After all they have been through, now this. I am so sorry to have sent that email. I am so sorry they will come to know they have adopted our referral. Never once did I think another AIP family would or could adopt our referral. Had Orson told me the truth when I called to inquire about Natalia, I never would have emailed the Sapps. Their adoption was already complete and happiness and joy is all I would have wanted for them. Not this cloud of pain. I knew, they would know only to intimately the pain we will be suffering when it is revealed they adopted our referral.
This is the point in our adoption journey I get that sinking feeling Orson is not what he appears to be. He has lied to us, and I believe also to the Sapps.
As 2 days pass and with no word from the Sapps, the confirmation for me is complete. It is now just a matter of when and how Orson is going to tell us.
His email arrives the day after Thanksgiving. The heading says it all...




Subj: Big Mistake. We are so sorry.
Date: 11/25/05 11:49:55 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: info@...
To: cacy49@...
Sent from the Internet (Details)



Yes there was a mistake. The child the Sapps are adopting was the
same
child. I was so surprised to hear this after I pressed our attorney
to give
me both dates of birth of both the children and names and I asked how
can
this happen and he said the people at the orphanage and Ministry made
a
mistake and nothing can be done now of course.

The Sapps went blind and chose this girl and no one told them this
was girl
was taken. I asked how come our team did not know and he said the
co-coordinator did not. He said it was his mistake for not keeping on
top of
it.

I cannot believe this happened. They all said they would make it up
to you
of course and send you a beautiful girl very similar to the one you
had. You
have time until you travel so I am sure they will do just that; but
things
like this should never happen and I told them that repeatedly. I am so
sorry. The Sapps of course know this now and are also feeling bad
for you.

Please try and keep this stupid mistake in your own family because I
am so
embarrassed by this and so is everyone else involved. We will find
you a
wonderful girl under a year that will be fabulous for you; we will
begin
doing this now and every girl that we get will go to you first

Orson Mozes
Foreign Adoption Director
Adoption International Program
info@...
www.adoptioninternationalprogram.com
Toll Free 1-866-969-8445





Orson Mozes
Foreign Adoption Director
Adoption International Program
info@...
www.adoptioninternationalprogram.com
Toll Free 1-866-969-8445





Our son is devastated as he reads Orsons words. The pain we see in his eyes is almost unbearable to witness. How do we comfort him?? How do we explain to an 11 year old who has also fallin in love with this child how this happened? We stay close this night as a family and each in our own way ask God
Why?????


Lawsuit Update
On 1/10/08 litigation was filed in the U.S. District Court in Pennsylvania -
Eastern District against AIP, Orson Mozes, Christen Brown and Kevin
Anderson.
It is my understanding that Kevin Anderson has been served. The next step is locating Orson Mozes and Christen Brown his wife, in order to serve them also. The legal process continues.

Still waiting...

Have I mentioned the wait is torture when your heart is full of love to give to your child. I am sure if you are reading this blog you are either waiting, totally understand the emotions experienced waiting, know of someone who is waiting or are seriously considering adoption and have already begun the wait.
Having accepted a referral from a photo listing, obtained most of the required documents, paid all of the agency fees, received updated photos of our daughter and being in a state of completely trusting in Orson Mozes and AIP, we are ill prepared for the truth and consequences that we will experience a few short weeks after the joyous birthday celebration for our daughter.
Having alot of time to adore and pray for this precious child in our referral photo (not posted here out of respect) I wander the Internet in hopes of finding a connection somehow to Ust Kamenogorsk and the baby house in which she is living. I Google Ust Kamenogorsk and much to my surprise and subsequent delight there is a yahoo group ( http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Ust-Kamenogorsk-Adoptions/) dedicated specifically to parents who have, or are in the process of adopting from this very town in Kazakhstan. This yahoo group opened my eyes to blogging, something I had never heard of. Parents who were in the process of adopting, documented their experiences online publicly and kept daily diaries and photo journals.
We were so thankful for a glimpse into a location and a life that had been the center of our consciousness for months. Innocently I stumbled on this site and I am almost transported to the front door of the orphanage where my daughter lives. The ability to visualize this building, in the here and now produces an increased sense of urgency in wanting to travel to the child we have fallin in love with. I commit to memory each detail of this building and pray for the day we enter that front door and begin our lives together.

 
 
That reality is almost palpable for us now, because of blogging. The ability to read blogs of others that are there in Ust Kamenogorsk. Adopting their children. Experiencing their miracles and sharing every detail thru their publicly posted words and photos.
A documentation of hope for all of us who wait. A confirmation of answered prayers and God's glory. A living documentary of love in action.
In each blog I read, I experience the magnificence of the immediate effect love has on the emotionally deprived innocent child. It is nothing shy of miraculous. The transformation is striking, as blank stares turn into infectious smiles, tears and fears turn to hugs and security. Loneliness turns to great joy.
The agony of the wait and the journey but a memory, as parent also transforms. The emotional bond strengthens with each precious moment shared with there child.The faces of these parents reveal the intensity of the love they are giving and receiving.
Each blog tells a story and not only gives those of us waiting hope, but much needed information to prepare for our own journeys. As I said the waiting and journey is agonizing much like the agony of physical childbirth.
So the discovery of blogs and how to navigate them gave us information we welcomed to help us hold on and prepare. We were so thankful to these parents who voluntarily publicized their experiences for anyone to read and learn from. Arming ones self with knowledge helped to alleviate certain anxieties with regards to what to expect. We were able to learn exactly how the process goes, the different problems that could happen and how to resolve them if and when they did. In reading what happened to others, we were able to trouble shoot our own issues when they cropped up. Being prepared helped keep those anxieties and emotions at bay. God knows this journey is filled with twists and turns.
Listed below are a just few of the many online public blogs we read in preparation of our journey to Kazakhstan. Each blog a personal account of International Adoption. A wealth of information about the country, the culture, the joys and the issues that surround adoption from a foreign country. We were so very grateful for their sharing we vowed to do the same when we finally walked in their shoes.
As we read each word from families involved with AIP and Orson Mozes we were happy to see their dreams becoming a reality. In the days that followed our daughters 1st birthday celebration we spent hours perusing these online public blogs. We actually logged on each day to read about the adoptions happening in real time. Four families in particular interested us, as they were AIP clients adopting children from the baby house our daughter lived in. Eagerly we read their daily posts and also their archived posts. We studied each photo hoping for a picture in which we might possibly see our daughter in the background....

http://sappfamilyadoption.blogspot.com/ Oct 05 AIP
http://woodstokaz.blogspot.com Feb 06 AIP
http://rockthekazblog.com/ Feb 06 AIP
http://themcspaddenfamily.blogspot.com/ Mar 06 AIP
http://candykaz.blogspot.com/ Mar 06 AIP
http://zalomskiadoption.blogspot.com/ Mar 06 AIP
Other agencies and web sites
http://themccafferyfamilyx4.blogspot.com/Mar 06
http://www.xanga.com/marknpam
http://www.frua.org/chat_main.html
http://kazakhadoptivefamilies.com/index.html
http://www.kazconsulny.org/English/index.htm

Oct 20... Happy Birthday Natalia... We Love You...

It is becoming increasingly more difficult to remain patient. In 5 months we have gathered almost all the necessary documents required for International Adoption. Now the completed home study and an application must be sent to the Department of Immigration. The coveted I-171H approval is the last document all adoptive parent wait for to complete their dossier. Upon receiving this document we then will be able to submit our translated apostilled dossier to the country of Kazakhstan. The waiting is almost unbearable. Leah (Natalia) is so much a part of our daily lives now, its as if she is already here. We are totally attached to her.
In the mean time we are fast approaching our daughters first birthday which is Oct 20.Orson had sent us updated photos of our daughter late Sept (I wont post them here out of respect) which served to strengthened our bond to her. We are thrilled to see how much she has grown, yet also sad to think she is emotionally alone without a loving family to make her feel special. Our hearts are heavy wanting to share the love we have with her NOW.
Nannie (my mother) decides we will all get together and celebrate Leah ( Natalia's) 1st birthday. She makes reservations, buys balloons, party hats, cake and candles. We gather that evening, place Leah's picture around the table and celebrate the birth of our special daughter. The wait staff join in our celebration and we take pictures to one day share with our daughter. This celebration is part of her adoption story and the pictures will convey how much we longed for and loved her even before she was physically with us. Instead of sonogram photos we had referral and updated photos of the child to be our daughter. We prayed for Leah (Natalia) that night as we have done since first accepting her into our hearts......


 
 

I have purposely drawn a heart around the face of Natalia out of respect.

Criminal Investigation Update

This is the latest information out of California from the DA's office. It is a posting on the web site below.


http://groups.yahoo.com/group/StopOrsonMozesAIP/members






Last week I finished organizing all of the evidence/questionnaires that have come back in. I have received 20 questionnaires back, most with accompanying emails and documents. There are at least another 10-15 families who have indicated they would be sending me the info but have not yet done so. I really need this information ASAP! I have information from 3 additional families that indicate they were very happy with AIP/Orson. (It appears that their adoptions were several years ago) I interviewed a past employee of Orson's this morning (she worked for him when he was Adoption Service Assoc, back in 1996-1998). I really would love any contact/locate information on his past employees "Maria" (Hispanic last name) or Jayne Howarth.

I have started preparing the very lengthy investigative summary ("police report" for lack of a better description). I hope to have that completed by the end of the month. I know this process seems endlessly slow, but I carry a full caseload of complex/lengthy investigations and am a supervisor, so there are always many issues vying for my attention!

I am fairly confident that my investigative summary will provide sufficient probable cause/proof for my Chief Asst DA to file felony charges against Orson and enable me to seek a felony arrest warrant against Orson so that I can look for him in earnest. (and utilize the various law enforcement tools that are available when one is seeking a felony fugitive)

Laura J. Cleaves
Supervising District Attorney Investigator
805-737-7885