We Need a Home Study NOW

So now we have a daughter and in preparation of her arrival, instead of MD appointments, vaginal exams and pre natals we make an appointment with a social worker. A social worker recommended by AIP. Phyllis LaBella located in Manhattan. A mere 45 minute drive(IF there is no traffic lol) to her office in the NYC. We plan to make a day of it and celebrate with having dinner out after our appointment. We are so naive to this process and have no idea what the home study is all about.
We walk into her Manhattan office excited to know we are that much closer to bringing our daughter, baby 749 home. We are early for our appointment and take a seat in Phyllis's reception room. It is small,clean and well manicured. As we are waiting we begin talking and realize we are very unprepared for this home study interview. Just as this realization comes over the both of us, the door to the inner office opens and we are greeted by Phyllis LaBella. After a brief introduction we are escorted into her office which looks just like a comfortable living room. A warm comfortable living room with a plush carpeted floor, beautifully painted walls, room accents and lighting conducive to producing an environment of trust and safety. We take our seat on a comfortable soft sofa, the type that when you sit puts you even closer to the person who sits next to you. Phyllis sits on an adjacent lovely arm chair with a dark wooden table and floor lamp that provided soft lighting. With steno pad in hand the interview begins. Phyllis is very good at what she does and her years of experience are evident as she begins with what I call the pre nuptials. Generic information to begin the base of our home study that will be read by the people who decide if we are worthy to adopt a child and also some day by the daughter we adopt. Ages, dates of birth, places of birth. Right at the outset of our interview we are in delicate territory. Birth, you see Chris my husband was adopted. He knows intimately the emotions that our daughter will feel and follow her through her entire life. A probing of these emotions begins. I sit and listen to his response of the questions Phyllis asks. He is comfortable, confident and articulate. He has a strong sense of who he is, and that he loves, (was and is loved by) his adoptive parents. He talks about his biological Mother and discusses the "search". He reveals his private intentions of someday actively searching but does not want to search while his parents are alive. He has had the normal thoughts of adoptee's wondering about what she looks and the why's of her life. The, do I have siblings and what about my father questions. And then he says, the reality of a wonderful life pushes those thoughts back to the recesses of his being so as not to waste time thinking and not living. As the interview proceeds I secretly fall in love with Chris all over again as he reveals to this perfect stranger his innermost vulnerability in the quest to adopt our daughter.
After the pre nups it on to the main event. The reality of who we are individually and then as a couple. Childhood up bringing and experiences. Family life, struggles,issues,divorces,siblings,conflicts,resolutions and coping sills. There was no subject that was ta bu. Discussions about our son, his personality, his school work and our parenting style with him. Religious beliefs and discipline each examined to see if we were united in our thought processes.
After an intense emotional soul searching 90 minute interview the first meeting of our home study is complete. Phyllis enjoyed our story and our perspective of our lives. She seems genuinely excited for us and expresses to us that she is honored to be a part of our adoption. She will document a positive recommendation about our ability to adopt and parent another child. Chris and I express our sincere thanks and share with Phyllis the referral photo's we have of our daughter baby 749. Much like a grandmother she gazes at her picture and then looks up at us and says "this child is very lucky to be adopted by parents like you".
We again thank her for helping us. We write a check for partial payment and Phyllis tells us the report should be done in a couple of weeks, after which we will have a meeting in our home for the completion of our home study. We say our goodbyes and out the door we go.
At dinner that evening we re hash the interview that just took place and the ramifications of the outcome had we not had a relationship built on love, mutual respect and common goals. It dawns on us again how ill prepared we were for this very personal question and answer session. However we celebrate the fact our marriage and our relationship passed the test of a stranger probing some of the most emotionally vulnerable areas we as individuals and as a married couple have.
We share a toast to loving each other even more than we did 17 years ago on our wedding day. We realize how much we have grown as people and as parents.We are excited that our dream of having a daughter is but a paper chase away.